A bit of personal back history is a good
place to start. When I was nineteen, I was mentally not in a good place. I
didn’t know what was wrong exactly and certainly didn’t feel right. I was
decanted off to the family doctor, where I got a diagnosis of anxiety disorder.
In the intervening years, it has been a merry go round of ups, downs,
medication, therapy, being told ‘oh you’ll get over it’, realising there was a
chance that what I had was in fact hereditary, being dismissed as ‘at it’ and somehow,
I even managed two obtain another TWO diagnosis of anxiety disorder. I found
that out when my GP, exasperated at yet another organisation that was meant to
help dismissing it as nothing. That was interesting to say the least.
After years of working with this, trying to fit in, doing the acceptable therapies, I realised I was digging myself into a hole and it was making my anxiety worse, not better. I started to look around for healthy ways that fitted what I needed, not what was defined by people who frankly had no actual personal experience dealing with what it was like to have this mental illness. Before I rattle on, I would like to add a preamble to this ramble – there is no one way to deal with anxiety disorder. There are many resources that will work for some, but not others. What has worked for me will not work for others and vice versa.
One of the first things I had to come to terms with was who and what I am as a person and not be afraid of it. But sometimes we need a little nudge in that path of whatever makes us ‘us’ and to keep inspiring us not to be afraid when the non-conformity vultures hove into sight. For myself, that came in the shape of one Strat toting, Donegal born Cork Man, Rory Gallagher. I’ve had my other heroes and inspirations who did and still mean a lot. George Harrison, John Lennon, Sir Billy Connolly, Alanis Morrisette and Aretha Franklin to name a few. But there is something in the very essence of Rory that just hit a nerve like no other.
My personal impression of Rory is that he
was a person who knew what he wanted to achieve and just how he wanted to do
it. He stuck to his guns and didn’t give into various pressures of rattling off
a number one song, having a certain manufactured image or switching his music
up for what the execs in suits wanted to meet a passing trend in order to make
quick cash. Rory brought his personal integrity to his music and it’s this in
my opinion that what makes both him and his music timeless. He could have got the right haircut, ditched
the flannel and did a dance routine on Top Of The Pops for a more peaceful
life, but in the end, would it have been worth it for him? Probably not. That is something that takes a strong
personality, courage and stubbornness – and yes, many sources have described
him as being stubborn alright!
Along with this, Rory also had the horrendous shadow of depression peeping over his shoulder. Later in life, it’s something that was an increasing issue. A notoriously private person, keeping to himself, apart from when he exploded on stage in that oft quoted Jekyll and Hyde dichotomy, in later press interviews, he spoke more of what was going on personally, from superstition to a crippling fear of flying. He had, as many of us do, me included, went to see his doctor about it and was given medication to help calm him.
I’m not going to go into great detail here about what happened afterwards with his medication and doctors, which I believe is really the preserve of Rory’s brother Dónal, who was there with Rory, and I don’t want to add to all the nasty ‘conspiracy theories’ put about by people who think they know better than anyone, and certainly not adding my two cents to that maelstrom. Except to say that Rory deserves better than the mudslinging about his health in the later part of his life, which stinks of the false understanding from people who really don’t want to make any effort to understand the reality of what it is like to struggle with mental health.
One thing I have noticed since I became diagnosed with anxiety, is that thankfully there has been increased awareness of both this and depression. I do actually have a depression diagnosis too, but it seems to segue into something of more of an overall package, anxiety being the more dominant. The greater awareness and increasing provision of talking therapy and things such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Mindfulness and Meditation amongst other things is positive. Who knows, I am going to be cheeky enough to confess that I wish those were more in vogue in Rory’s time. The more options the better for anyone dealing with mental health issues.
There is a growing de-stigmatisation of having mental health conditions, but boy are we just at the start of that. It’s still a thing used to disparage those of us with it and, as the aforementioned ‘conspiracy theorists’ are wont to do, I do feel Rory is unfairly slammed by the stigma. For instance, some people won’t touch his later albums, such as Defender or Fresh Evidence because his health was declining and they don’t see it as being worth a shot. They are so wrong. He is on fire in those. And if you care to listen, you can also hear him sing about his struggles with a candour that helps those of us feeling rotten and alone a little less isolated. His later performances, such as from the 1990s, are also disparaged. He is seen as ‘not as good as he was in the 70s’, not to mention the comments over his physical appearance.
I’ll make a nod to Rory’s penchant for not swearing, but as Sir Billy Connolly says, sometimes the eff word is the one that gets across. How fucking dare you. Who are these idiots to declare themselves the A-all and B-all? Who the fuck do you think you are? Taking the high road like that, they are false prophets behind cankered fronts. They don’t know what they are talking about. They just make assumptions about Rory, declare themselves right and to hell with it. The false understanding at its purest for sure. It’s just a supposition on my part, but could that be why Rory kept himself to himself to such an extent, apart from in his music, where he showed how he really felt, or up on stage?
I have been in the position several times where I have shown my true self in its ‘Technicolour Weird’ glory and been sneered at because it’s not ‘acceptable’. It certainly hurts. So, you find means by which to channel, well, you. I write. I read. I hoover up anything on ghosts and hauntings. I’m teaching myself Scottish Gaelic and listen to a lot of music. Rory had his music, his books, his films and art. And again, as I said at the start, this is one of the key influences Rory has on me. He was disparaged for following his path, but he stuck to it, come hell or high water. It gives me the strength to do the same in my own way. And as for the keeping things close to his chest – well, some people don’t deserve to share certain parts of us.
For many of Rory’s fans, his music is a panacea for us. It helps us get through life. He is incredibly popular now. Part of me thinks that the world being holed up with the Covid 19 pandemic has drawn more people to his work. Releases from his estate over the last few years have been generous and there are hours of his live performance to be seen on YouTube, which when live music has been stifled, has been a glorious way to escape. His guitar playing has an expressiveness that is hard to describe but is also a balm at times. He does need more recognition as a lyricist. Rory was a superb writer. You can be sitting feeling like an odd bod, then you put on “A Million Miles Away” and boom. Or restless with never-ending anxiety, and Shadow Play just hits the spot because the frantic music and lyrics describe how it feels. And there are many more songs of Rory’s that help me in a variety of ways, I put together a playlist of the ones that really came to mind in those terms. It came to fifty songs and runs to over 4 hours. So, we would be here for quite some time if we went through them.
C
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